This is a big one, a long time coming, not unexpected but significant. And no, it’s not that “change” – I covered that in Mental Health part 3.
However, I do believe that plays a part in what has, and is happening.
When a marriage loses intimacy and connection, it’s just a matter of time when other habitual signs of normality begin to wither, fade and then disappear. I’m talking about the quick kisses, hugs, cuddles on the sofa or in bed.
For us, the only thing left were a morning kiss – simple basic kiss and a goodnight kiss.
A kiss when leaving for work and when returning from work. That kind of worked well when I in particular was working away from home, but the tables are turned at the moment with Susan working away and I’m generally working from home.
I knew in my heart of hearts that those ‘ticks’ of normality would eventually go, but I think we’ve gone through the transition much faster than I expected.
Around 2 months ago, I got a cold, so Susan decided – sensibly in my opinion, to avoid lip-contact. But that was the start of a very quick change: once I got better, the old pattern just didn’t resume.
It’s hard to say how it died. It just did.
There were in the first few days, some awkward moments initially when we’d approach each other when she got home or first thing in the morning at breakfast and it wasn’t clear what should happen. On some occasions I went for it anyway, and if she was in the mood she’d offer a cheek (never lips). At other times, especially if she was seated, I just end up kissing the top of her head.
But it’s rare now for her to come to me offering a greeting kiss. In fact I can’t remember the last time – and we’re only talking about a few months. Mostly now we just call out a greeting or launch into a different domestic conversation.
At night, we just settle into bed, and go to sleep. We might as well be sleeping alone most nights. I still will put a hand on her waist as a reassurance as we drift off. Less frequently she’ll hold one of my arms for warmth.
So I was wrong: the final signs of normality didn’t peter out gradually at all. It was rather sudden, over the course of a couple of weeks. The new normal is now virtually no physical contact of any sort.
The funny thing is that as I was prepared for it some day I’m not shocked, surprised or hurt by the change. However, I expected some obvious realisation or reaction from Susan. But she’s quite happy – in fact it seems like she’s barely registered at least outwardly that she’s noticed or cares. That may be a pretence of course.
But even if it is, it means she’s accepted the change and possibly even wanted it. And that’s important of course, because it’s critically important that she doesn’t sink into depression over this (or indeed anything else), or if not that, that at least she doesn’t lash out openly to the kids in particular.
All in all then, our journey has reached another milestone.
Edit
So there were just a few reversions to the shift in behaviour. She did greet me a couple of times with a hug and a slightly more ‘familiar’ kiss. Not full on the lips but close enough. But it’s impossible to know if she did those things accidentally (historical force of habit ) or if she was perhaps exploring what my response would be.
In both cases I didn’t know how to react, so kept my guard up as normal and didn’t. That may have been a mistake because if I had been more forthcoming it might have been possible to resuscitate the ‘old’ pattern and stretch the small physical link between us for at least a bit longer. Or maybe not. Without actual conversation and understanding how can I know?
How does this relate to the menopause – again, assuming it’s now actually begun? She’s particularly irritable, short-tempered and argumentative recently and becoming more so, not just with me but also the children. I’m ashamed to say the children give more push-back than I do – but that’s because they think she’ll actually listen and that it makes a difference. While I don’t automatically cave or indulge her bad behaviour, I certainly don’t contest it. I do whatever ends the outburst or verbal attack and get out of the firing line. It’s sometimes painful, but I’m done caring.
They say, arguments in a couple are healthy because they show a vested interest in the outcome: that both parties care about something deeply. I’m sorry to say I don’t care. And it shows.
Anyway, now I’m sitting here revising this post a few more weeks on from the original edit. And my heart is aching and I feel like I’m going to burst with sorrow and anguish.
I need to get out of here. Sadly it means I have to escape from my own house; from my children, neither of which are the problem. But I’m locked, imprisoned even, into the ‘new normal’ of working from home. I really need a weekly or fortnightly break from this, just for a day or so, with other people, time and space away from Susan. But I just. can’t. seem. to. get. a. break.
Marriage Of One 
I read every one of your posts when I receive the e-mail notification that one has gone up, but it would appear that I’m not getting the notifications anywhere near the time you post them. That, or you’re finalizing your posts and then not making them visible until much, much later. The notifications for the last three posts I read arrived out of chronological order, and are not even the three most recent entries, at least by timestamp. All by way of saying that I hear you, but I hear your echoes long after you’ve spoken, and the result is… eerie.
I know I need to update my own blog. Things have become complicated. I will get to it again before too long. The point right now though is to talk about you. And Susan. And the kids.
Friend, you’ve described this situation as “hell on Earth.” You’ve chronicled how things keep getting worse by degrees, like in the parable of the frog in the hot pan.
Are you familiar with this one? If a frog hops onto a hot pan, it immediately hops off because, OF COURSE. But, if you set the frog on a pan at room temperature and then slowly apply heat (at least, according to the parable… I have no idea if this would actually happen in the real world), the frog stays on the pan. And stays. And stays. Until its little jumpers are burned beyond the point of being able to jump at all. This proverbial frog dies because it doesn’t move from a profoundly bad situation because it got bad slowly, instead of being recognizably and suddenly bad at the outset.
You and Susan are punishing each other, and for what? For what crime do you both find it necessary to punish the other?
And your kids know this. As little ones, they might not have even understood that something was amiss, but as they got older, they realized. You’ve been modelling a toxic household for them. They may pull through okay, and they may not. But if they do, they will almost certainly resent you or Susan or both. And if they don’t end up doing okay, well, then, what was accomplished here?
As I mentioned on my own blog early on, I’d asked friends of mine whose parents had divorced about their experiences with all that, and for the ones whose parents waited until they went to college before getting a divorce, every single one of them was angry with their parents. (I will note that a lot of time has passed since those days, and when I’ve had the chance to follow up, everyone’s situation with regard to their parents had mellowed out. The resentment died down. But I’ll also note that none of the people I’m thinking of ended up in a healthy relationship with the kids they so longed to have. To be fair, I’m not currently in a relationship either, but I will note that my kids *seem* to be doing okay. I don’t know. Maybe yours are, too.)
You’ve posted your reasons for staying together. As someone who has stayed far, far too long in a relationship long past the point of when any “normal” person would have broken camp, I get it. I do.
But dude, you only get one life. You’ve already experienced how bad it can get. Why persist in wallowing in how bad it can stay?
Last night, my ex and I attended the “curriculum night” at the high school where our youngest is still a student. We traveled from room to room, following the path of our son’s classes in order and meeting his teachers. On a couple of occasions, we ended up sitting in a room with another parent who had recognized me from extracurricular activities in past years. Turns out that she, too, is divorced. “We still get along, I suppose,” she said to us, “but I can’t imagine us ever talking with each other the way you two seem to be.”
My ex and I are able to be okay with each other because we parted ways when it became obvious we shouldn’t stay together. Maybe my ex is asexual, like your Susan appears to be. Or maybe she was simply never that into me. Maybe she settled for me when we married. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t regret our marriage, because my kids are the absolute best thing in the world as far as I’m concerned. And I don’t regret our divorce, either… and I don’t think Penny does, either. I’ve had many rough years since the divorce, and 2023 has presented a few challenges of its own. I’m not very sure about where I am at the moment. But what I am sure of is this: staying married would have destroyed me. Getting divorced saved me, and probably saved Penny as well.
What you’re doing right now isn’t working. Time for YOU to discuss matters with a therapist / counselor / whatever passes for mental health advisor in your area. Find someone who can give you advice; Talk Therapy is not what you need.
Susan needs this, too, but that’s for her to decide. YOU are punishing her and you are punishing yourself and it’s never going to get better for either of you if you don’t do something differently from what you’ve been doing.
I say this with all love and respect. Get thee some professional help from a qualified mental health expert.
If not for yourself, then for your kids.
–INRIS
It’s good to hear from you INRIS. As ever, you’ve got kind words and sage advice.
There’s a fair bit to unpack in your comment, and as I don’t monitor the site as often as I used to (it can be months at a time) I’ve only just read your comment. I’ll take a few days to think and respond. For now let me just say, “I get it, but for me it remains the ‘nuclear’ option”. I’ll explain why soon.
And yes, the posts are out of sequence. I do write, edit and then post them sometimes several months after the events have passed. This can be because the posts are not ready or perhaps because I write them and forgot I’d written them(!). Or sometimes I write them for my own catharsis without intent to publish, and then change my mind later (- I have several of those). I try to put the date of the original first draft as the publish date – hence the appearance that you’re getting old notifications. Rest assured you’re getting them as and when I publish.
For me, there’s no narrative as such any longer. It’s now more of a meandering monologue of my life and thoughts, for which sequence is less important, so I hope that doesn’t put you or other readers off.
I look forward to reading your updates, INRIS. Keep well.