Marriage Of One

December 29, 2015

Accommodation: Compromise Without Promise

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 11:31 pm
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I’ve stopped regular updates to this website as you can tell.

Since my last post some years ago, much has changed, and by the same token, some things have stayed the same and I didn’t want to keep repeating the same stuff again and again so I stopped writing.  But enough has changed now to add something to this story.

The first thing that has changed is that my parents are no longer living with us.  The second thing is that Susan made one huge compromise to her hitherto unwavering position (no pun intended) on sex.

Both of these changes stemmed from a huge and traumatic event that took place just over two years ago.

(more…)

August 16, 2009

The Elephant in the Room

Filed under: love,marriage,sex — marriageofone @ 11:08 pm
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In one of my recent posts I pointed out that the one thing I have remaining is to “take care of myself”.  This is not as selfish or narcissistic as it might appear: I have children I want to watch grow and I have to remain fit and mentally and emotionally ‘useful’ to them.  Finally, if I can find hapiness within my own life outside of my marriage – perhaps, just perhaps – as a byproduct of that – my wife might find a renewed interest in me and what I have to offer her.  At the very least it will bolster the friendship angle of our relationship as that is pretty much all we have left.

So here goes and I’ll try to make this entry brief even though it actually needs to cover a fair bit. (more…)

July 16, 2009

The End Of The Road Part 2

Filed under: marriage,relationships,sex — marriageofone @ 3:55 pm
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It has been a long while but this is the first time I have been able to devote any length of time to writing about what has happened.  This entry has been put together over a few weeks actually.

A few days after Susan broke the astonishing news that she was quitting therapy, she said she wanted to talk.  We sat on the bed, she had surrounded herself with a few of the sex manuals she had bought for our wedding night nearly 9 years ago.  She wanted to get right to talking about restarting our sex-life. Her method was to use the books and pick things to try out from them (not right away of course).

I wasn’t impressed.  I needed answers.  Although the decision to get help was hers, I felt that the least she could have done is asked me before she had terminated her sessions with Marcia.  Especially as she had pretty much involved me along the way.  So my first question was why she had done that. (more…)

March 4, 2009

First Date

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 10:25 pm
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I’ve just come back from a ‘date’.  It is the first one in many many months.  What with work and the kids and putting them to bed and then arranging baby-sitting we have both been neglecting this for quite a while.

So this weekend I primed my parents for a once-a-week baby sitting session to allow Susan and I to go out for a coffee or dessert after the children are in bed.

We used to go out together (although not every week) a couple of years ago.  It didn’t make any difference to our sex life but we did occasionally talk about it.  Usually we talked about the children, or other family or social matters.  Basically we talked.

Nowadays we barely talk. And that has alarmed me.

My relationship from Susan you have probably realised has drifted away from a husband-wife one to one purely based on the partnership of running the house and a close friendship bonded by the task of raising our children.  Basically, our kids keep us together. (more…)

November 19, 2008

On Julia Grey

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:31 pm
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I first read Julia’s articles when I was desperate for help and didn’t know where to turn.  Julia’s articles opened my eyes and I took alot of self-awareness and understanding from her and from the people who have posted comments to her articles.

I even put some of those things into practice.  I can report however that nothing worked.  I kept it up for over a year and even the efforts I made, initially appreciated, became meaningless once Susan started taking them for granted.

The problem was that Julia writes that she used to be ‘frigid’ wife.  Prior to that she was ‘normal’.  Sex was great at the start of the marriage and then waned over the years until it became a chore to her and power-politics of marriage slaughtered her sex-drive.

It was always a bit of gamble to apply her reasoning to Susan.  Susan did not become frigid.  She has been frigid all her life.  How do you get someone who never cared for sex and doesn’t care for sex to become interested?

I moved on from sex, building intimacy and trust.  Hoping patience and support would win the day.  She didn’t budge.  So it dawned on me that the issue now was no longer about sex although it is centred on sex.  it is about fairness, respect and self-lessness.

I don’t have a RIGHT to sex.  But I have a right to a reasonable discussion and accomodation on OUR sex life.  I don’t have  RIGHT to be respected by my wife.  But I do have a right to be allowed to express myself without feeling like Oliver Twist begging for more.  And I don’t have a right to get it all my own way.  I just want compromise.

I wonder if there is anybody, male or female out there who is like Susan or knows of someone like her?

October 24, 2008

To begin with…

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 9:35 pm
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I don’t yet know what I am going to achieve with this blog.  I have little to no hope for the future in as far as my sex life goes. 

I guess what I really want is to share some of thoughts and coping mechanisms and perhaps even re-ignite some hope – although that is not something I think is possible.  Mostly I hope to be able to communicate with people and hear back from them what they have or are experiencing.

For much of my married life I have been with someone and still felt very alone in this.  It would be nice to know that there is some understanding and empathy out there.

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