Marriage Of One

July 5, 2009

The Marcia-n Conspiracy

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 9:43 pm
Tags: , ,

This may sound paranoid and cynical but I don’t think Marcia is totally innocent of Susan’s failure to capitalise on her counselling sessions.

Why did she feel that she needed to keep asking Susan whether she wanted to continue the sessions?  Unless she wanted to give Susan – who would obviously be finding the introspection quite difficult and would be looking for an escape route – a ‘get out of jail card’.

From the start Marcia seemed to be attributing Susan’s behaviour and sexuality on Susan’s life as a mother rather than her life as a wife or woman or teenager, neglecting even the 5 years before she became a mother.  First it was how tiring it must be to be a mother.  Then that perhaps she had post-natal depression.

And I think Marcia kept returning to this because she did not want to continue to work with Susan.  I think she thought that she saw a lost cause and didn’t want to waste her time. (more…)

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May 26, 2009

A Chance to Change

Filed under: relationships,sex — marriageofone @ 9:07 am
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It’s been a week since Susan’s appointment with a counsellor.  Well as you know, I agreed to accompany her to the venue as she wasn’t sure how to get there.  The plan was (as I understood it) to sit in the car park until she came out again.

The reality was that she asked me to help her find the office after parking.  So I went with her.  Then I thought I would sit in the waiting room until she finished.  When the counsellor came to get her (we’ll call her Marcia) she asked if I would like to come in too.  I said I didn’t think I was allowed to.  Marcia said it was up to me.  I asked Susan if she wanted me there.  She said it was up to me.  So we stood awkwardly looking at each other for a few moments, with me getting the impression I had been set up.
So a few minutes later, Susan and I were sitting in Marcia’s room.  But whether or not I actually was set up (and I don’t think I was), I’m glad I did go in.
Marcia started by asking when the problem started.  Susan said it had always been a problem.  Which was good.  Marcia started to go down the route of how having children can put pressure on one’s sex life.  But Susan and I managed to stop that.  Certainly things have gotten worse since we had kids but that has been a red herring – we were in trouble long before the kids were born.
I think she was a bit surprised by this so asked if we were fine getting pregnant.  Susan nodded.  I shook my head.  Marcia turned to me.  I tried to be tactful and said “Well if I can be blunt, because of Susan’s attitude it took us 18 months to get pregnant the first time, as she only wanted to have sex when she was ovulating – once a month.  For the second child she was much better and we got pregnant in 2 months of trying.  But then she didn’t want to have anything to do with me for the next 15 months.”  Marcia said “Yes, 18 months does seem to be a long time” and noted something in her book.
Marcia went on to explain her strategy and I felt my heart sink as I heard it.  Although she didn’t name it or go into the details, I think she is heading for the sensate<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensate_focusing&gt; program  which I have read about over the years when trying to find a solution to our problem.
The first step is a complete ban on sex.  I’m sorry to say I laughed and said “That should be easy”.  Marcia looked at me disapprovingly and said in her best ‘therapist voice’, “Yes, but I want to turn this into something positive so it takes the pressure off Susan so we can move forward.”  “Yes, of course” I said.
Marcia’s strategy is to have a session every fortnight in which Susan (and I, if I accompany her – which I may not due to work commitments) and Marcia will review the exercises and progress (or lack of) in the intervening fortnight.
Susan’s exercise for this fortnight has been to look at her naked body and to get to know her vagina. I don’t know if she is doing this or not.
Marcia also noticed that talking about sex between us seems to be taboo.  Which at the moment it is, I told her.  She didn’t pursue the topic and I hope she didn’t think it has always been like that – because I enjoy talking about sex. It’s just that I stopped making the effort after a few years of marriage since it was clearly pointless.
And so that was it for our first appointment.  I think Marcia will learn more about us over the next few visits and alot more about Susan.  I guess the one thing that is slightly different this time is that Susan’s negativity to outside help is greatly diminished and she may take on board the advice she hears instead of rejecting it outright.  On the other hand I know how sexually ‘lazy’ she is and she is still unlikely to do the exercises.  I don’t know what Marcia’s plan is to ensure the exercises are done.
So do I think this is going to work?  In my head I think no.  In my heart I really really want it to be yes.  I guess it’s my turn now to try not to be negative.

The reality was that she asked me to help her find the office after parking.  So I went with her.  Then I thought I would sit in the waiting room until she finished.  When the counsellor came to get her (we’ll call her Marcia) she asked if I would like to come in too.  I said I didn’t think I was allowed to.  Marcia said it was up to me.  I asked Susan if she wanted me there.  She said it was up to me.  So we stood awkwardly looking at each other for a few moments, with me getting the impression I had been set up.

So a few minutes later, Susan and I were sitting in Marcia’s room.  But whether or not I actually was set up (and I don’t think I was), I’m glad I did go in. (more…)

May 18, 2009

A miracle!

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 9:55 pm
Tags: , ,

I don’t believe in miracles.  But only a few days after she mentioned it, she got a call from a hospital regarding her libido ‘issue’.  And the appointment is tomorrow!

It’s not even in the same town as we are, so she is going to have to travel there.  She asked me to accompany her because she is afraid of getting lost, and as she hasn’t been well the last few days I think it’s only fair to ensure she gets there.  She said that she hopes it isn’t going to be a waste of her time.  So do I, but what she might consider to be a waste of time may not actually be that at all.

I hope she cooperates, is honest and open and keeps an open mind – for both our sakes.  I don’t think she will have another opportunity like this.

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