At around the time we decided to have a ‘scheduled’ sex life we found – mutually – that we still needed time for intimate and deep conversation. So we fixed an evening once a week specifically for chatting. Of course, we could have a chat any other time too, but this one was dedicated time. Our Chat Night.
The purpose for this was to encourage both of us to open up, air anything uncomfortable, plan our next sexual encounter or just talk about ourselves and our feelings. It was feedback on the sex and it was supposed to ‘close the circle’. I.e. have sex, talk, bond, better understanding of each other, which leads to a better relationship which leads to better sex, which leads to more openness and better talks which leads to…. you get the idea. (more…)
I’ve stopped regular updates to this website as you can tell.
Since my last post some years ago, much has changed, and by the same token, some things have stayed the same and I didn’t want to keep repeating the same stuff again and again so I stopped writing. But enough has changed now to add something to this story.
The first thing that has changed is that my parents are no longer living with us. The second thing is that Susan made one huge compromise to her hitherto unwavering position (no pun intended) on sex.
Both of these changes stemmed from a huge and traumatic event that took place just over two years ago.
Hello all, I’m not going to go on about how things are in this post: it is just more of the same as our sex-life (I should say Susan’s really because it’s got nothing to do with me) has returned firmly to the once-per-quarter-if-we’re-lucky state.
I recently threw out an empty box of condoms. Not news for most couples presumably but the interesting subject here is when the box was bought: June 2008. There were 12 condoms in the box, and I threw it out just a few months ago. So 12 condoms over just over 4 years: you do the math as they say. (more…)
This is going to be tough entry and I apologise if I appear to ramble. I’m on a business trip for the first time in quite a while. In fact it’s the first time I’ve been out since the kids were born.
I don’t want to beat about the bush. The last thing I did was pop the few remaining condoms I have into my suitcase. Why? (more…)
Over the years I have come to find that trying to understand Susan is a bit like peeling back the layers of an onion. For everything that you understand or you think you understand there is still another layer beneath to stump you.
The only difference is that this onion no longer makes me shed any tears. Although I wish it did. I sometimes just wish I could let go…and cry. There are days when I really feel as if I am walking about with a stone in my throat and a heavy mass in my chest. (more…)
About a week after the conversation described in my last post, Susan decided she wanted to have sex. It was around 3 months since the last sexual encounter but possibly more than a year since we last had ‘proper’ sex. As always she manipulated the event and it was even more awkward than usual. But she appears to have enjoyed it, although again as usual there was no mention of it before, during or after the event. So I can’t be absolutely sure.
But as she sank down onto her pillow again she sighed “I have been so stupid”. (more…)
A day or so after my last post I decided to try my luck to find out what was going on. I didn’t do it out of any real expectation, and fully expected a furious backlash. I sent a text message: “Can you tell me why you aren’t speaking to me. I don’t know what I have/haven’t done.”
It took two days to get a response. At breakfast before the kids came down she gave me a long hug and said she had been feeling sad. Well that’s no news really but I tried to show a bit of surprise and concern: why, Iasked?
“I can’t talk about it now,” she said. “I know you (meaning me) are unhappy too.” (more…)
She hasn’t said more than a handful of words to me for around 4 or 5 days. Why? I honestly don’t know for sure. But I can guess.
We haven’t had a row. She’s had an altercation with my mum and to be honest, Susan was in the right (again). I even said as much when she told me after I came back from work, although my parents haven’t taken Susan’s outburst (the exact detail is once again irrelevant) too well and she’s not really speaking to them either. But at some point after she told me about the problem, she stopped talking to me.
I recently got directed through social media to an article on the British Daily Mail website. The link was posted by a woman, and the article header was I felt instantly biased: insensitive stereotypical man ignores emotional and intimate needs of wife. Nevertheless I read through it and it did open my eyes – a little at first then somemore.
I’ve become ever more convinced that Susan is asexual and I am wondering if that conclusion now hinders my understanding of her. Everything she does or doesn’t do now appears to be an indication and often a further confirmation of her asexuality. So I keep an eye out for articles such as this, on one hand hoping for further clarification of the [unqualified] diagnosis I have made, or for a new potential solution which will make everything okay and bring my marriage back from the precipice.
This article was of the former type. It gave asexuality a new name or at least a new dimension. And although I dug a bit further after reading the article it all came down to the same thing: if it is to get better, I need Susan to take ownership – proper ownership – of the problem and I need her to actively work towards the solution. And that is something I don’t have. (more…)
The day had to come.
Any day now, and I can’t be too sure about when exactly we’ll reach the 6 month mark of the ‘drought’.
To be honest it has crept up on me. Sure I miss having a sex life, but you get used to missing it, if you know what I mean and you just accept it and time moves on and on and on. (more…)