Marriage Of One

January 22, 2019

Mental health in the Marriage of One

Filed under: intimacy,marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 8:12 am

For all her faults Susan is generally a cheerful person, often effusive and bubbly.  I like that about her, because I am not.  I consider myself to be (or have become) a person who is content.  That is, I believe that I have learnt the gist of, and now practice a workable combination of the Serenity Prayer  and Rudyard Kipling’s If.  This keeps me from swinging from despair to excitement and back again.  I am balanced.  I am calm.  It is not an exciting way to live.  But I can live with myself and with Susan and the kids and all that life throws at me and maintain by and large an even keel.  Susan on the other hand adds excitement and noise to the household.  I play with the children and I’m there for them of course, but she provides an atmosphere that I simply can’t/won’t.  The reasons for my attitude in this respect is largely (but by no means exclusively) down to the kind of lifestyle I have been forced to make for the Marriage of One. (more…)

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May 15, 2018

Another landmark?

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 9:15 pm
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A few days ago Susan laid down another marker in our journey together or should I say apart?

You are aware of my habit of rising early to catch up on all the things I feel I need to do. Well it has been pretty much two years since I started that and generally it has been quite successful for me. From time to time, I stop out of a need to rest or recover from illness, but I always try to come back to it. (more…)

October 17, 2017

Waiting

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:15 pm

I’m in a really strange place at the moment.  I feel content.  And I know I probably shouldn’t be.  But I am and I can’t explain why.

You see, I’m starting to think and feel like a free man.  Like the Marriage Of One has ended.  But because it hasn’t actually collapsed I don’t have to deal with any consequences.  There are no complex financials, no lawyers, no bad blood, no psychological scars on my kids.  The emancipation is only in my head, but it seems to be having a real impact on my mental health.

I decided a few months ago that the Tuesday Chat Day had failed.  I still ask her from time to time (when I remember, and if she looks like she’s in the mood to entertain the question) whether she has anything on her mind.  She always says no.  Sometimes she’ll ask back.  I say no.  That’s not honest, but why bother trying to build a rapport with someone who doesn’t want to invest in it?  I think by saying “no” I’m giving the answer she actually wants to hear. So I say no, and make a speedy exit and do something else with my evening.

I also decided that I would cut back my other investments as well.  You see I still cared about her emotional and physical well-being.  So from time to time I would offer an opinion (if asked) about her hair or appearance or clothing.  It generally did not have positive outcomes – she kind of does what she likes regardless of my preferences or opinions.  You’d think she would dress – if not for me – at least in a way that made me admire her or find her attractive.  She doesn’t.  In general her personal grooming isn’t great; it never has been.  It takes a special occasion for her to make an effort, and she has always dressed approximately 10-15 years over her actual age.  And she doesn’t like exercise or effort – they make her feel inadequate, so why bother?  Anyway I used to try to encourage and cajole her, sometimes for her sake, sometimes my own – because I found something out of her generally dour wardrobe interesting – to dress age appropriately and have some motivation to look good.  Or to exercise and get fitter and healthier.  Or to style her hair.  But it is pointless.  She is who she is.  She is what she is.  For whatever reason she won’t change.  And my opinion, or feelings are irrelevant to her.  So I’ve pulled up the drawbridge.  I don’t offer anything constructive – even though I have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue sometimes.  To be fair, she doesn’t generally ask, and as I say I only offer when asked.  But some mornings I look at her hair or clothing, or listen to her latest health status and wonder how I can resist saying something.  But I do and I generally have just said what she wanted to hear – although a lifetime of honesty sometimes does make me instinctively reach for the truth.

A further consequence of my exiting conversations as efficiently as possible is that we’re talking even less about everything else, including the boring stuff – like the weekly shop.  This is going to hit us in the wallet at some point.

I haven’t mentioned sex yet.  Here’s the interesting thing.  I don’t care!  I actually don’t!  So we’re currently doing it maybe once a month since the start of the year, which is actually phenomenal by our standards.  But without any talking or intimacy, or proper foreplay it really is just physical and I have lost interest.  I feel bad whilst I’m doing it because I am not fully present, I still feel bad because I know she is controlling me (by controlling the sex itself), and I feel bad after doing it.  It’s like something in me is saying I shouldn’t be doing it with her.  Like I’m cheating.  But without the anticipation before or thrill during.  So generally I don’t bother her – and that seems to suite her just fine.  After about 6 weeks she may cosy up to me in bed as a signal but I have misread that kind of thing before.  And it doesn’t mean that she wants to do something to me. It means I’ve got to do something to her – maybe.  If  I don’t read it or respond it may be another week or two before anything happens.  And although I sometimes have felt horny and done it with her I always regretted it often before it was over, certainly immediately afterwards.  So now I try not to.  And I’m fine with it  – and she doesn’t seem to have noticed – or if she has, doesn’t care.

Somehow any guilt or fear of actually meeting other women has also gone.  And that’s the bizarre thing.  I seem to have convinced myself that there is now a new paradigm in place where I am now in an open marriage.  I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t share that view, and in the cold light of day neither do I.  For all I know she might be thinking that things are going really well at the moment.   Remember that her prime motivator is the avoidance of guilt; and by not engaging negatively or positively with her she has little introspection to worry about, and therefore few opportunities for self examination and guilt for not exercising or looking her best, or progressing her career options or any of the other things she has given up on.  So without guilt she might actually think I’m happy with her and life and she can be happy too.  To be honest though, I don’t think so.  Even she must feel the chasm widening now.

But back to this feeling of liberation.  I’m not actively looking for female companionship.  I probably won’t ever look actively.  But I am window shopping as it were.  And you know what?  It’s not about sex.  It hasn’t been for a really long time as I may have mentioned in earlier posts.  I just want to talk to someone, I want the loneliness to end, to share some fun with someone who tries to better themselves, who wants to grab life with both hands, and does’t expect it to be handed to them.  If it leads to a FWB or romantic relationship that may be a bonus or I may decide that isn’t what I want.  But for once the choice would be nice.

 

 

October 10, 2017

Car

Filed under: lifestyle,marriage — marriageofone @ 9:23 pm

I used to have a recurrent dream over the years until just a few months ago. I say dream, it was actually a nightmare – one from which I frequently awoke in panic, or at least part-woke to experience lucid semi-conscious dreaming. (more…)

January 23, 2017

Sleepless

Filed under: lifestyle — marriageofone @ 9:12 pm

About a year ago finding that I had little time to pursue any of my own projects or endeavours, and having no energy or desire to work extremely late nights on said endeavours I decided to change my sleep pattern.

Following on from Ben Franklin’s adage that “early to bed, early to rise, Makes a man healthy wealthy and wise”, I decided to go to bed on hour earlier than I had hitherto, and rise nearly 2 hours earlier.

The result is the reduction of sleep from 7h/night to 6h/night. The experience I had from earlier experiences of early rising is that the morning hours are minute-for-minute, more productive than evening hours. I found this useful in my student days. However I found that even 1 hour reduction in sleep as an adult was hard going. Perhaps, age and other pressures and responsibilities conspire to make this a challenging routine to maintain. (more…)

August 25, 2016

I’ll have The Usual

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:06 pm

At around the time we decided to have a ‘scheduled’ sex life we found – mutually – that we still needed time for intimate and deep conversation.  So we fixed an evening once a week specifically for chatting.  Of course, we could have a chat any other time too, but this one was dedicated time.  Our Chat Night.

The purpose for this was to encourage both of us to open up, air anything uncomfortable, plan our next sexual encounter or just talk about ourselves and our feelings.  It was feedback on the sex and it was supposed to ‘close the circle’.  I.e. have sex, talk, bond, better understanding of each other, which leads to a better relationship which leads to better sex, which leads to more openness and better talks which leads to…. you get the idea. (more…)

December 29, 2015

Accommodation: Compromise Without Promise

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 11:31 pm
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I’ve stopped regular updates to this website as you can tell.

Since my last post some years ago, much has changed, and by the same token, some things have stayed the same and I didn’t want to keep repeating the same stuff again and again so I stopped writing.  But enough has changed now to add something to this story.

The first thing that has changed is that my parents are no longer living with us.  The second thing is that Susan made one huge compromise to her hitherto unwavering position (no pun intended) on sex.

Both of these changes stemmed from a huge and traumatic event that took place just over two years ago.

(more…)

February 18, 2014

Disintegration and being an asshole

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 8:36 pm

We’ve hit what may be bottom.  We, by that I mean I, spent years trying to engineer our life, lifestyle and family setting so that Susan could get the ‘space’ she wanted, the ‘time’ she needed to ‘grow’.  For us to ‘grow together’.  At every stage I failed. (more…)

November 6, 2013

Disintegration Part 2: The Waiting Game

Filed under: lifestyle,marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 8:33 pm

Shortly after I wrote the draft for Part 1, things took a turn for the worse.  After having barely spoken to my folks for several weeks, Susan confronted Mum in the kitchen and effectively claimed her “space”.  (more…)

Disintegration Part 1: Everything IS Linked

Filed under: lifestyle,marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 8:25 pm

The proverbial shit really has hit the fan.  The camel’s back has been broken.

Life or existence as I normally refer to it, has plodded along predictably enough for the past several months.  I’ve not posted anything new because nothing new has happened.  There has been a mild upswing in sexual activity this year – (5 times so far this year compared to 3 or 4 times per year in previous years!) but that is not what this post is about. (more…)

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