Marriage Of One

May 15, 2018

Another landmark?

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 9:15 pm

A few days ago Susan laid down another marker in our journey together or should I say apart?

You are aware of my habit of rising early to catch up on all the things I feel I need to do. Well it has been pretty much two years since I started that and generally it has been quite successful for me. From time to time, I stop out of a need to rest or recover from illness, but I always try to come back to it.

Susan has never particularly liked it though.  Although she still goes to bed before or at the same time as I do (usually the former) she doesn’t appreciate the slight disturbance when I get up in the early hours of the morning.  I am extremely quiet, knowing that she is a light sleeper and she used to drift off again for at least a couple of hours afterwards anyway.  So she still gets all the sleep she wants, and much more than she probably needs.

But a few days ago she said that if I wanted to get up early I should sleep in the spare room.  Now there are many reasons to ask a spouse to move out of the conjugal (in our case not-so-conjugal) bedroom.  Snoring, health problems, shift-work etc, and I actually think she has a legitimate reason, even though I am exceedingly quiet when I wake up.  I just thought it rather illogical that after 2 years of having lived with it to no ill effect, why had she suddenly became intolerant of the practice?  And did she really think about what that means – I mean what the implication really is?  In a ‘normal’ loving marriage this could be discussed and arrangements made to ensure that the relationship intimacy did not suffer.  In this case it was simply “hit the road, Jack”.

So on the first night when I decided I needed to get back into my routine (after a short winter cold) she smiled sheepishly at me as we bid each other goodnight, and I almost expected her to melt and ask me to ignore what she had said just a week earlier.  I would have accepted the offer – I mean why would I want to prepare and sleep on a sofa-bed when I have a proper bed to sleep in?  And it’s not like I have done anything wrong; I wake early because it gives me time to do the things I need to do and more importantly the things I have to do, because we don’t/can’t share those things.

Anyway I made my sleeping arrangements and went to bed.  It was kind of depressing.  Of course the symbolism was heavy.  It was a landmark moment and it was almost as though she didn’t even recognise it for what it was: we were tacitly acknowledging the end of ‘sleeping together’.  Although there has not been an intimate experience (e.g a deep conversation) for a very, very long time, and only rarely a sexual one, the sleeping together did at least make it possible.  Now of course, any such encounter would have to be on the odd day during the week when I came back to the bedroom (and not rising early) or weekends.  It cuts the opportunity when it might accidentally happen by half or even more.   And ‘accidentally’ is the operative word, because the only way to now ensure we do have any contact on that basis is to arrange it – which means we need to talk about it and plan for it, and Susan hates that – for her sex must be near-spontaneous, or it feels contrived and forced.

The next morning I did make it a point to ask how she slept.  She had slept well, she said, but she also said (half-jokingly, although I’m not sure) that I had “abandoned” her.  I didn’t remonstrate, but firmly pointed out that she had asked me to leave.  She didn’t offer a counter to that, but just smiled a little.  She has used the word “abandoned” a few times since then (I ask her every morning we sleep apart), and I have each time offered the same answer.  And she has not deigned  to respond.

So what happens now?  She seems to be adamant about her position so it looks like the gap that was gradually dividing us has now physically increased by a significant leap.  I wonder how much longer it will be before I just sleep most nights in the spare bedroom – even if I don’t need to?



As it turned out, Susan ‘broke’ after just a week.  She asked me to come back.  I asked how she would cope with the disturbance.  She said she would get used to it – or something to that effect.  So I’m back in my bedroom in the matrimonial bed as it were.  She didn’t explain anything or offer any more when she invited me back.  I suppose it just means that somehow she realised, perhaps subconsciously or in some round-about way what the implications of my moving to a different bedroom might actually mean now and what it could possibly lead to in the future.  My experience so far (2 months later) is that there has been no shift or change in her attitudes or behaviour so I’m assuming therefore that the short experience of sleeping alone has not given her a new perspective.


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