Marriage Of One

October 17, 2017

Waiting

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:15 pm

I’m in a really strange place at the moment.  I feel content.  And I know I probably shouldn’t be.  But I am and I can’t explain why.

You see, I’m starting to think and feel like a free man.  Like the Marriage Of One has ended.  But because it hasn’t actually collapsed I don’t have to deal with any consequences.  There are no complex financials, no lawyers, no bad blood, no psychological scars on my kids.  The emancipation is only in my head, but it seems to be having a real impact on my mental health.

I decided a few months ago that the Tuesday Chat Day had failed.  I still ask her from time to time (when I remember, and if she looks like she’s in the mood to entertain the question) whether she has anything on her mind.  She always says no.  Sometimes she’ll ask back.  I say no.  That’s not honest, but why bother trying to build a rapport with someone who doesn’t want to invest in it?  I think by saying “no” I’m giving the answer she actually wants to hear. So I say no, and make a speedy exit and do something else with my evening.

I also decided that I would cut back my other investments as well.  You see I still cared about her emotional and physical well-being.  So from time to time I would offer an opinion (if asked) about her hair or appearance or clothing.  It generally did not have positive outcomes – she kind of does what she likes regardless of my preferences or opinions.  You’d think she would dress – if not for me – at least in a way that made me admire her or find her attractive.  She doesn’t.  In general her personal grooming isn’t great; it never has been.  It takes a special occasion for her to make an effort, and she has always dressed approximately 10-15 years over her actual age.  And she doesn’t like exercise or effort – they make her feel inadequate, so why bother?  Anyway I used to try to encourage and cajole her, sometimes for her sake, sometimes my own – because I found something out of her generally dour wardrobe interesting – to dress age appropriately and have some motivation to look good.  Or to exercise and get fitter and healthier.  Or to style her hair.  But it is pointless.  She is who she is.  She is what she is.  For whatever reason she won’t change.  And my opinion, or feelings are irrelevant to her.  So I’ve pulled up the drawbridge.  I don’t offer anything constructive – even though I have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue sometimes.  To be fair, she doesn’t generally ask, and as I say I only offer when asked.  But some mornings I look at her hair or clothing, or listen to her latest health status and wonder how I can resist saying something.  But I do and I generally have just said what she wanted to hear – although a lifetime of honesty sometimes does make me instinctively reach for the truth.

A further consequence of my exiting conversations as efficiently as possible is that we’re talking even less about everything else, including the boring stuff – like the weekly shop.  This is going to hit us in the wallet at some point.

I haven’t mentioned sex yet.  Here’s the interesting thing.  I don’t care!  I actually don’t!  So we’re currently doing it maybe once a month since the start of the year, which is actually phenomenal by our standards.  But without any talking or intimacy, or proper foreplay it really is just physical and I have lost interest.  I feel bad whilst I’m doing it because I am not fully present, I still feel bad because I know she is controlling me (by controlling the sex itself), and I feel bad after doing it.  It’s like something in me is saying I shouldn’t be doing it with her.  Like I’m cheating.  But without the anticipation before or thrill during.  So generally I don’t bother her – and that seems to suite her just fine.  After about 6 weeks she may cosy up to me in bed as a signal but I have misread that kind of thing before.  And it doesn’t mean that she wants to do something to me. It means I’ve got to do something to her – maybe.  If  I don’t read it or respond it may be another week or two before anything happens.  And although I sometimes have felt horny and done it with her I always regretted it often before it was over, certainly immediately afterwards.  So now I try not to.  And I’m fine with it  – and she doesn’t seem to have noticed – or if she has, doesn’t care.

Somehow any guilt or fear of actually meeting other women has also gone.  And that’s the bizarre thing.  I seem to have convinced myself that there is now a new paradigm in place where I am now in an open marriage.  I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t share that view, and in the cold light of day neither do I.  For all I know she might be thinking that things are going really well at the moment.   Remember that her prime motivator is the avoidance of guilt; and by not engaging negatively or positively with her she has little introspection to worry about, and therefore few opportunities for self examination and guilt for not exercising or looking her best, or progressing her career options or any of the other things she has given up on.  So without guilt she might actually think I’m happy with her and life and she can be happy too.  To be honest though, I don’t think so.  Even she must feel the chasm widening now.

But back to this feeling of liberation.  I’m not actively looking for female companionship.  I probably won’t ever look actively.  But I am window shopping as it were.  And you know what?  It’s not about sex.  It hasn’t been for a really long time as I may have mentioned in earlier posts.  I just want to talk to someone, I want the loneliness to end, to share some fun with someone who tries to better themselves, who wants to grab life with both hands, and does’t expect it to be handed to them.  If it leads to a FWB or romantic relationship that may be a bonus or I may decide that isn’t what I want.  But for once the choice would be nice.

 

 

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