Marriage Of One

August 25, 2016

I’ll have The Usual

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:06 pm

At around the time we decided to have a ‘scheduled’ sex life we found – mutually – that we still needed time for intimate and deep conversation.  So we fixed an evening once a week specifically for chatting.  Of course, we could have a chat any other time too, but this one was dedicated time.  Our Chat Night.

The purpose for this was to encourage both of us to open up, air anything uncomfortable, plan our next sexual encounter or just talk about ourselves and our feelings.  It was feedback on the sex and it was supposed to ‘close the circle’.  I.e. have sex, talk, bond, better understanding of each other, which leads to a better relationship which leads to better sex, which leads to more openness and better talks which leads to…. you get the idea.

Well we did talk a little about ourselves but not very deeply and typically it was like getting blood from a stone, only less successful:

Me: “How are you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest?”

Susan: “Fine. I’ve not got anything bugging me.  I’m feeling OK”

Me: “Is there anything you want to change or improve? Anything you don’t like?”

S: “No, last night was nice.  Do you have anything on your mind?”

Me: “I would like you to tell me what you would like me to do to you or what you would like to do to me.”

S: “I don’t know.  It will take time. I just want to take it slow.”

After the first couple of weeks. it didn’t take long for Susan to hijack the time to take on her other concerns – the house, the kids, her family, my family, school, chores etc.  I let her get away with it a few times, but then brought her back to topic.  We could only talk about ourselves.  That effectively killed the major content topics for Susan.

And so on it went for a few more months; it became so pointless that some days we forgot about it entirely, or one or other of us (usually Susan) forgot about it and would be startled when reminded and say “Oh, I completely forgot; I haven’t even thought about anything to discuss.  Is something on your mind?”

Needless to say, because of the rule on only speaking about ourselves, even when she remembered, she rarely had anything to discuss – certainly nothing that could be constructively pursued to any benefit.

It was also at around this time, that the two scheduled sex days became – shall we say – ‘flexible’.  I let her get away with it because the initial optimism evaporated fairly quickly as the sex became boring and predictable, and she didn’t want to do anything interesting or unusual.  So twice a week frequently became once a week, and if we were busy or had a cold (and she gets them very frequently), even once a fortnight or less.

So just over a year ago, I let her know that I wasn’t happy about the slippage in the sex schedule (despite the boredom I felt we needed to pursue the plan if only to anchor ourselves to any hope of improvement).  She concurred that we needed to commit ourselves again to the planned schedule.  I also said I expected her to honour her original promise to ‘push the envelop’ and make sex more interesting for both of us, and to talk about what we could do to each other.

She gave her usual non-committal comment about needing more time, not feeling comfortable discussing these kind of things but she would work on it.

I did this for a few weeks running until she got exasperated and said “I can’t just switch off and on and do these things.  I want to take things slow and I’m happy as things are!”

So from then on, whenever Chat Night arrived I would ask (if I remembered and got in first)

Me: “So, is there anything you would like to discuss?  What do you want me to do for you tomorrow evening?”

S: “I don’t know really.  I haven’t thought about it.  Anything on your mind?”

Me: “Just The Usual”

S: “OK”

And then we’d go about our own business.  Whole Chat Night over with in about 10-15 seconds.

A few months ago she did ask what “The Usual” meant because she forgot!  It had become such a cliche even to me that I did a double-take when asked and had to think before I remembered!

But now most Chat Nights involve me asking for “The Usual”.  And I know it’ll never be addressed.

As for the scheduled sex nights they still happen from time to time, occasionally they get rescheduled by a day or so, but mostly they get skipped entirely.  But like Fight Club, the first rule about Sex Nights is that we do not speak about Sex Nights.

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