Marriage Of One

June 19, 2011

Cards on the table

Filed under: love,marriage — marriageofone @ 9:47 pm

A day or so after my last post I decided to try my luck to find out what was going on.  I didn’t do it out of any real expectation, and fully expected a furious backlash.  I sent a text message: “Can you tell me why you aren’t speaking to me.  I don’t know what I have/haven’t done.”

It took two days to get a response.  At breakfast before the kids came down she gave me a long hug and said she had been feeling sad.  Well that’s no news really but I tried to show a bit of surprise and concern: why, Iasked?

“I can’t talk about it now,” she said. “I know you (meaning me) are unhappy too.”

We can talk this evening then, I said.  As it turned out, I wasn’t feeling too well that evening and so we didn’t speak and by the following day she had perked up a bit with me and was even exchanging a few words with my parents.

So then I asked the following evening as we sat alone: “Can you tell me why you’re unhappy?”

The conversation – considering the huge display and apparent depth of sadness, was short and shallow and completely routine- but for one thing.  It consisted of the usual;  spend more time together, do things together, maybe things will “fall into place” (her words).

The only helpful thing I added is advice that if she wanted this she would have to forcefully schedule and manage this: it was no use just hoping to spend time together if neither of us made the effort to actually arrange and spend time together. “I know, I know” she said, showing that she’s learnt nothing.

Now the different bit: she turned to me and asked “Do you still want to be with me?”

For a moment I panicked. Had she seen through my own sadness over the last few weeks and detected my preoccupation with divorce?

I took a deep breath in, “I don’t think so”.  Almost as soon as I said it I realised it sounded more positive than I actually intended.  I corrected myself immediately.

“To be honest, I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.”

I explained, “One day I’m going to decide one way or the other.  It might be next week, next year or in 10 years.  I can’ t promise anything.  I live one day at a time.  Some days I’m okay some days I feel shit.”

“The one thing that I can say is while we’re still together there is a little hope and whilst we are together we get to benefit and enjoy any improvement if it happens.  If we walk away then we’ll never know.”

“I feel the same”, she whispered.

There was no sadness, no tears, hardly any emotion to the conversation at all.  We might just as well have been talking about the weather really.

What did she really mean by feeling the same – the same about leaving or the same about hope – or both?  It doesn’t really matter.

For the first time I think I made it clear that our future together is not to be taken for granted.  And deep down she must know that she’s already lost me.  Actually if she’s honest with herself, she’ll realise that she didn’t lose me – she threw me away.

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