Marriage Of One

January 29, 2010


Filed under: intimacy,love,romance,sex — marriageofone @ 10:31 pm

Two days strike fear and despondency into me: Valentines Day and my wedding anniversary.  And the former is not far off.  Last week Susan brought it up completely out of the blue.

“What would you like to do for Valentines?”, she asked.

“I don’t know.”, I said.  Because I really didn’t.  I could think of a few things but what was the point?  In all respects it was a genuine and considerate question.  It’s just that in the overall context of the reality of our marriage a day celebrating romance and sex isn’t really pertinent.  It’s not like I can ‘spoil’ her with sexy underwear or nightwear or anything of that sort – I did in the early years of marriage and experienced what can only be described as a lukewarm response. You could of course take the day as a sort of universal day of platonic friendship like when kids make “You’re my best friend” or “Be my Valentine” greeting cards in primary school.
“I could make us a nice dinner.”, she offered.  “What would you like me to make?”  She’s clearly been brought up with the phrase “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” ringing in her ears.  Too bad the way to my heart is er… through my heart.
“We could go for a nice breakfast at Frankie and Benny’s.”, she continued.
“That’s an idea.” I said.  I couldn’t think of anything else on the spur of the moment.

So over the last few days I have thought about it.  And I think I know what I’m going to do.  I told her that I will cook a dinner for us both.

“Shall I make the desert?”, she asked.  No, I’ll do it all I said – if you like you can choose the wine.

So there it is – I haven’t cooked for her in a really really long time – certainly no more than the odd course here or there and a full dinner will be a revelation for us both.
And as for the commercial version of Valentines Day as a celebration of love, romance, sex and lust, we will still go through the motions (at least that is what it feels like to me – I don’t know what she thinks) of buying a ‘lovey-dovey’ card and possibly some roses and chocolates.  But it will in likelihood stop at that.

Which is a pity really – I am actually quite a romantic and sentimental person.  Her loss.

And mine.


  1. Do ever let go and let someone else???

    Susan was offering you the chance to experience her performing the traditional female role for your pleasure on a rather traditional social holiday. She was asking you to tell her what you wanted her to do, an offer women don’t make very often! Her proposal to serve you really was intended to be an expression of her esteem for you, but you turned it into a challenge to something within you and you had to take over the entire preparation.

    This shows me that you have a lack of trust in Susan in particular (understandably considering you have relationship problems), and maybe women in general for whom Susan bears the brunt of your wrath. It may be why you have so much trouble with her not meeting your needs, because you have to have total control at all times. You stifle her!

    I know you can’t help yourself, for it’s reflexive with you. It’s a sign of how deeply your insecurity goes, maybe back to your youngest cognitive years. I have a few of these myself. But how can Susan feel like she’s an equal part of a loving couple like you say you want her to if you have control all the time? I know what being on the other side of you is like, because I’m paired up with a woman who has to have control all the time. I certainly don’t feel like I’m an equal partner in my relationship! Take a hint!

    Think about this when you get a moment: if you can’t trust the mother of your children (and you say she’s a good mother), who are you ever going to trust? And do you want to color how your daughters view relationships with men as they grow old enough to begin their own relationships? Do a little research about how fathers affect the choices in men their daughters make. They tend to choose men just like their fathers in some significant way. You don’t want that significant way to be an inability to have a close relationship!

    Let’s try something. Find a valentine’s card which says what you really feel without being completely nasty or aggressively angry. You’ll know it’s the right one because it will make you very uncomfortable as you read it, because it will be telling your secrets. If you can’t say what you feel in a way that she hears when you speak, maybe you can in a way she can read. It just might open an opportunity to talk about your immediate situation. And if it does, let her talk. You listen – you will learn something. And you just might help your daughters to have better relationships than you have by doing so. Do it for them, Dad. Are they not worth it?

    Comment by ToppHogg — February 3, 2010 @ 6:49 am

  2. I feel slightly bemused by ToppHogg’s last comment and a little unsure how or if to respond to it. My first instinct is to go defensive and say ‘no I’m not insecure!’ But insecurity is a part of my life and has been for a long time. Nevertheless it does not play a part here.

    So back to Valentine’s; it was a really good date this year and I now know I did the right thing. I spent a few hours in the kitchen prepping the ingredients, whilst Susan spent the afternoon relaxed and playing with the children. After we put them to bed, I started the cooking and we had a really good evening and although the meal didn’t quite turn out as I expected it was quite tasty and nothing went in the bin!

    What’s more, Susan seemed to appreciate the effort and that I committed to do it all myself, especially as she had cooked something special the day before (without my help as I was at work until dinner time).

    The night was rounded off with our first sex since early December last year. This time I threw myself into it almost selfishly switching myself off mentally to avoid any negative ‘vibes’ from Susan. I can’t ever be sure she is happy with sex but I could tell that she was happy that I was happy. So I had a great Valentine’s Day.

    Comment by marriageofone — February 23, 2010 @ 9:05 pm

  3. Way to go, Dude! I knew you could do it! Now keep yourself open for her next overture to you and don’t try to take it over. You just might be surprised at what happens!

    Comment by ToppHogg — February 25, 2010 @ 6:28 am

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