Marriage Of One

August 6, 2009

The Writing on the Wall

Filed under: marriage,sex — marriageofone @ 11:03 pm
Tags: , ,

Over the last few months I’ve come to the conclusion that Susan is asexual.

I can’t prove it.  I’m not a therapist, psychologist or doctor.  But all the evidence I have points to that.  If she is not asexual then it would suggest that she is maliciously tearing the fabric of our marriage.  How else can you explain her inaction?

I know there is the matter of sexual repression.  What if she is not asexual but is so repressed that she cannot express any sexual feelings?  Five or six years ago I might have believed this.  And whilst I do think Susan has SOME repression (hence her ‘rules’ – see About Her) I don’t think they inhibit sex as thoroughly as we are now experiencing.

For one thing she is still capable of initiating and carrying sex through on occasion – say once every 2 or 3 months.  She does this on her own – I never ask for sex or even hint at it.  Does she do it out of guilt as checkbox or token sex?  Or is it from a feeling of lust that has steadily accumulated over the previous few months?

Secondly, she is physically, emotionally and mentally quite capable of having and giving good sex.  Really good sex is extremely rare (as you would expect given that sex is rare in itself).  But I can remember a handful (but only ONE handful) of occasions in my marriage when she really did take my breath away.

In the days when we still spoke about sex, she sometimes (again rare) expressed excitement about what we were doing or might do.  Would she still be able to do this if she was repressed?

What is she is disappointed?  I read on the Cosmopolitan website about a woman who waited until she was in her mid-20s before having sex.  It wasn’t the great event she imagined it would be and she has subsequently lost interest in sex.   Susan was in her late 20’s before she was able to have intercourse.  Maybe I disappointed her and the rest as they say is history.

Again, I don’t think so. I don’t know the details of the woman on Cosmo, but I would think that up until the time she had sex, she still had an interest in sex.  And at least occasionally masturbated.  Susan expressed no desire to learn about sex, think about sex or masturbate.  And I now know that the sex books and lingerie of our honeymoon weren’t even her idea.  She never intended to have sex during the honeymoon.

The final nail in the coffin of course is the news that is not sexually attracted to any man – certainly not me.

So on summation, the evidence says ‘Susan is an asexual’.

Being more romantic, making sex less pressured or more fun or interesting will not work – it hasn’t worked in the past – and now I know why.

It also means that my quest for ways to help Susan should probably end.  Of course I should still try to understand her.  But now this blog must be on how to help myself.  I have a few ideas on this and it will be the topic of my next post.


1 Comment »

  1. I’m very glad to see that you have matured in your outlook regarding your sexual issues with your wife. What do I mean? “…this blog must be on how to help myself.” No truer words were ever written!

    I won’t go into specifics, but I had to go through this transformation myself. I was led to looking at my interests in helping others as merely avoiding doing what I needed to do to repair some of my own problems. As a wise person once told me, you cannot save anyone else if you can’t save yourself.

    I’m reminded of a couple I knew of through my brother-in-law. They were married for about twelve years, and on occasion they reportedly rocked the house. But as their son reached age twelve, the mother had a resurgence of a desire to live a religious life. She had considered becoming a nun when she met her husband, yet left that behind to be a wife and mother. I suspect that her sexual desires declined about this time, maybe because she again viewed sex as a lustful and sinful expression which violated her religious standards. She ended up leaving her husband as sole caregiver to their son and entered a convent. She can’t be a nun due to still being married in the view of her church, but at least she can live the life. The husband divorced her and found someone else. I don’t know how well that went as he drifted out of my brother-in-law’s life, but it had to be better than what he had with his nun giving him none.

    I only mention this as an example of where you are now. Others have had to deal with this problem, and some do so successfully. I wish you luck and the means to make a wise decision. I’m at your service if I can help in any way.

    Comment by ToppHogg — August 8, 2009 @ 3:09 pm

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