Marriage Of One

June 3, 2009

Laugh or Cry?

Filed under: sex — marriageofone @ 1:19 pm
Tags: , ,

So Susan came back yesterday from her session with Marcia in quite a good mood.  She didn’t ask me to accompany her and I didn’t ask as I wanted to avoid the “It’s up to you” response.

Apparently Marcia told her that she has made good progress and should continue doing what she has been doing (looking at herself and getting to know her body) for another two weeks.

But later yesterday I asked her if anthing else had been discussed.  And she said that she had ‘mentioned’ that I used a ‘pump’ of some sort.  Marcia said she was concerned about that but said she would think of an effective response.

I didn’t know quite how to respond to that – laugh or cry (or just get angry and worked up).  So I did none of those and asked further: what was the context in which she mentioned this?  What were they talking about that justified something that was personal to me, didn’t affect Susan and has not had any effect on our relationship or sex-life (or lack thereof) whatsoever?

Right now some background:  I may have mentioned in ‘About Me‘ that over the years I have developed premature ejaculation (PE).  About 1 year ago I started to do some research on the problem thinking that as I couldn’t address this problem with Susan, I should try some alternative solutions.  One of the exercises that apparently helps is to use something called a Fleshlight [warning this link opens a window in an adult site].  Basically this is a latex prosthetic sheath that a man can use as an artificial vagina.  It’s not quite the same as real intercourse but close enough for a man to practice withholding ejaculation.  Combined with real intercourse and other exercises I read that you can enhance staying power and improve your sex life.  This is not a pump, has no moving parts or batteries and does nothing other then provide a textured sheath for the penis.  I found over the course of about two months of use that it did begin to help me.  The plan of course floundered on the second part – I couldn’t fine-tune the techniques and practice with real intercourse.  At least not more frequently than once every few months – which was useless.  So after that I lost the motivation to do the exercises and the Fleshlight has just sat in the cupboard.

Susan has seen me using the Fleshlight and I have explained (when I bought it) what it is and why I bought it.  She took only a passing interest in it and didn’t offer to help with the exercises or really understand what the purpose was.  So I left it at that.

And what transpired with Marcia was Susan not only making a completely pointless issue of the Fleshlight – but insinuating that I am using a penis pump!  Susan didn’t even say anything about PE.  So Marcia probably got the impression of a guy obsessed with the size of his penis!

The only reason I’m kind 0f relaxed about it is that it is a complete non-issue in itself, and once I explain the context to Marcia i think she’ll be fine about it. I just wonder when I’ll get the chance to clear this up.

Okay, but there is a bigger point in all this.  Marcia needs to learn – sooner rather than later – that Susan’s knowledge (let alone experience) of sex is very very poor.  Perhaps this is tied into the libido issue.  As she has never had any sexual motivation or interest, she has never questioned (not even as a hormone-overloaded teenager), never experimented, never learned and never been motivated to learn.  Certainly never to the point that it takes any effort.

Hence her capacity to misunderstand and fill in the blanks (incorrectly) as illustrated above is huge.  When it comes to sex, assumptions that Susan does not know are more the rule than the exception.  Marcia needs to learn to read between the lines with Susan.  Things are not necessarily as she says they are.

On the other hand if Marcia doesn’t recognise this and continues to push the current program regardless of Susan’s actual capacity (and interest and motivation to learn about and appreciate her and my sexuality) to engage with the plan then we may be wasting time and effort which could be placed elsewhere.  Marcia said it could be weeks, months or even a year on the plan.

The question is how long to give this before we can determine if it is working or not.  Now more than ever the core question for me to find an answer to is “Is Susan capable of having a sex life?  I mean does she really want it, or does she does think that she should because that is ‘normal’.”



  1. Yes! I often think my wife engaged in our relationship, not because she wanted what comes in a loving, passionate relationship, but because she think’s that’s a normal thing to want. I still don’t know either way- Thank you for putting that out there. I felt so guilty for thinking that.

    Comment by ManInABox — November 25, 2009 @ 5:21 pm

  2. I have to add my vote that this spousal disinterest situation is more common that most people know. I sometimes think that women (based on a very small population sample) who feel guilty about sex are the ones who have the most problems even when they are interested. They just can’t let go of the “Thou Shalt Not” echoing about their crania enough to actually enjoy sex. Those who do enjoy sex and don’t have hangups about doing it dismissed that injunction long ago. Those who don’t enjoy sex would make light or look down upon sexual aids even when used for a specific purpose, while those who enjoy sex might look upon such things as yet another way to have fun.

    Comment by ToppHogg — December 11, 2009 @ 6:41 pm

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