Marriage Of One

May 6, 2009

A bombshell!

Filed under: marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 7:39 pm
Tags: ,

A couple of days ago Susan dropped a bombshell.

“I think we should have another baby”, she said.  I couldn’t believe my ears for a moment.  Okay, nothing wrong with saying it or thinking about it.  It was just so unexpected.  I had always thought – and she never said anything to the contrary – that our family was complete.  I think I said “WHAT?!?!?!”.  Then I followed it with a shrug and then the conversation changed or petered out.

But I thought about it.  In theory it would be nice to have another baby (although we still have one now, sort of).  In theory.  In practice I remember all the hard work.  I remember Susan getting exhausted.  And most of all I remember that our marriage – the foundation of our family – is more unstable now than ever.  What was she thinking?  Maybe just her biological clock trying one last time to get another child out?

I don’t know what she is thinking.  But I know what I thought.  I’m struggling with stress and the quality of my life.  Although over the years my material standard of living has undeniably improved; my quality of life has gone in almost exactly the opposite direction.

I love my children dearly and I live for them.  And if by some accident we did get pregnant (which is nearly impossible readers of this blog will know) I would never even consider a termination, and would love the child we get completely and absolutely.  But a planned pregnancy is not something I can put myself through.

With her other pregnancies Susan made my life hell.  I can’t put myself through that again, even though I have a better understanding of what she will do and how and so I will be better prepared.

Am I being selfish?  Is it wrong to deny her a last chance at motherhood?  On one hand I can sympathise with the sentiment.  On the other I wonder if she sees her role as a mother as the only purpose of her life.  To be fair over the last few years that HAS been her purpose as she gave up her job to be with the kids until they all were old enough for school.  If she has another child then it will be another two years or so of ‘house arrest’.  I thought she was fed up with this and wanted to go to work!  That was what she told me a few weeks ago.

If I’m being honest, my life purpose seems to be nearly completely fixed on fatherhood.  So we are not so different there.  The only difference is that I have been forced to be a father to the exclusion of other aspects of life.  She has chosen to be a mother exclusively.

But there is a further deeper reason why I feel I can’t do this.  I’m tired.  Not physically.  Mentally and emotionally.  I feel drained.  I feel like my ‘tank’ is empty and I have nothing to give.  I feel like I’m looking at the world and my family through a window glass.  They see me and I see them but there is no deeper ‘touch’.  My passion for life and living has been extinguished.  The only thing my mind turns easily to is work.  And when I am forced to address ‘real-world’ issues I feel irritated, stressed and angry.  This is not a good state of mind to have whilst thinking about having a child.

I haven’t told Susan what I think yet.

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2 Comments »

  1. I am tempted to point out the obvious: a baby will not fix the problem.

    I’m not sure what your wife is thinking throwing that suggestion out into the open.

    Comment by Rachel — May 11, 2009 @ 8:24 pm

  2. I don’t think she sees a baby as a solution to the problem. She is still hanging everything on some kind of miracle pill from a therapist. (We are still waiting on that. More on that in a minute.) Susan loves kids (I do too) and I think this was a semi-innocent remark. I just felt considering our marital status it was not very sensible.

    When you think about it, she never says anything about our sex life. Where does she think this baby is going to come from?

    And on the therapy side of things, she just this week wondered aloud why she hadn’t been contacted yet for an appointment. I told her what to me was the bleeding obvious: she is in the back of the queue behind child abuse victims, rape victims, paedophiles, domestic abuse victims, STI patients and people whose marriage and relationships really are on the rocks. If she gets an appointment it will be after a very very long time. IF. Personally I don’t think she will. And if she does, I think she’ll be shocked to find just how long and introspective those sessions will be – that’s just the talking. What about the home-based exercises and behavioural changes?

    Comment by marriageofone — May 15, 2009 @ 10:11 am


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