Marriage Of One

April 13, 2009

Holidays are Hardest

Filed under: love,marriage,relationships — marriageofone @ 2:59 pm
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I don’t know what it is about holidays but they invariably cause a bit of angst. Part of it I guess is the fact that normal drudgery and routine are broken and for a few days a new rather loosely defined terms of engagement takes effect. This does not happen very often on weekends, but on long weekends such as this (Easter) it does.

A good part of it must long days spent together in ways which for normal couples would naturally lead to feelings of intimacy and possibly result in some intimacy and possibly sexual activity.  Susan and I are very ‘normal’ in a clear daylight point of view.  As long as we steer clear of any personal awkwardness, we are great buddies, and occasionally we even may get away with a really good kiss and grope.  But it can’t and doesn’t get any further.  If it does it is a usually wordless ‘session’ that comes and goes without any real connection.

But the angst doesn’t get any worse than at night. Usually I fall asleep almost instantly because I’ve crafted my life so that I live just on this side of exhausted. Its one of my coping mechanisms. Normally I go to work, put in a full day, come home, spend some quality time with the kids, do my chores, spend some quality time with Susan, then disappear up into the study to live my quasi-monastic life until bedtime. Why? Because the last thing I want is to go to bed and lie there next to my wife, knowing that there is a vast chasm between us. Having the urge and the will to reach out and yet knowing that doing so would be meaningless. Instead I prefer to drop into bed and drift into oblivion. And you know what? It works. It is how I’ve lived for years, and pretty much the last year.

When we have holidays I have relaxing days at home and so I’ve gone to bed not feeling particularly tired. Result: I have to wait to drift off. And then all the thoughts and feelings come rushing into my head and I just can’t nod off. I spent two of the first nights of this long weekend drifting in and out of sleep after spending hours just trying to fall asleep. My wife just withing arms reach, her arm resting on my chest.  Touching but untouchable.

I wake up in the morning feeling terrible.

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