Marriage Of One

February 3, 2009

Three Wishes

Filed under: marriage,relationships,sex — marriageofone @ 10:10 pm
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A few days ago I put myself through the small ordeal of a urine test and blood test to check for STDs. I wasn’t too concerned about the results and in fact felt it was pretty much a waste of time (and resource). But anyway, my first result came back (not surprisingly) all clear.

On the day of the visit I found myself thinking…what do I want from Susan? What will I answer if asked by a therapist (if we get to that stage)? And to be honest it really stumped me. What do I want? Six or seven years ago the answer was easy: more sex. Even three or four years ago with the emotional strain of Susan’s behaviour taking its toll, the answer was simple: more talking about our relationship and acting on the things we said to each other. But now with so much water under the bridge, so many broken dreams and years in which I built up protective¬†walls around myself I don’t know where to start.

The one thing I do know (or I think I know) is that the answer is not just ‘sex’. It’s the tragedy of the way Susan’s mind works that she is fighting the battle (her libido) that should have been fought 7 years ago, now. I guess she looks at the troubled relationship now and traces it back to where it started – and assumes that solving the problem in the past will be the solution for the present. I don’t think so. My libido has detriorated hugely with having to adapt to her, and unless she turns into some kind of sex-bomb she’ll be disappointed if she focuses on this in isolation.

Imagine if this was ‘three wishes’.

I guess the first thing I want is a comprehensive apology. For many many years I told Susan not to apologise because I didn’t want her to feel that she needed to. All I wanted was for her to honestly respond to me and the needs of our marriage, and push herself to change her ways or at least to fulfill my needs. I didn’t want her to grovel, and I never rubbed her face in her mistakes or transgressions. But now I really feel she needs to apologise and I need to hear it. I want a full comprehensive apology for the neglect she has shown me and our marriage. For dismissing my needs, for letting things slide, for not talking to me as an equal, for treating me like dirt when she wanted to get pregnant, and for not getting help when I asked her to. I need to hear her say that we are where we are because of her.

The second thing I want is conversation. I know that there is not much time for it. But I want deep conversation about everything that has happened and is happening. And I want HER to do most of the talking. I want her to take responsibility for the communication in our relationship.

Third I want her to show me some respect. Not as a breadwinner, not as a husband, but as the man in her marriage. She needs to respect my feelings, my needs and desires and if she can’t or won’t fulfill them that she talks about it and ensures that I understand why without patronising me with checkbox sex.

And that is what I want even before we get to the sex.

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