Marriage Of One

January 20, 2009

A Life of Stress?

Filed under: marriage,relationships,sex — marriageofone @ 8:11 pm
Tags: , , ,

Well Susan eventually got to see her GP.  Armed with her completed questionnaire, the conclusion of the GP was not depression – but stress.

Yep, ye olde libido killer.  And let’s not be unfair here.  Susan and I are both stressed, and have had/are having a fairly stressful marriage.  Part of the stress killing her libido has probably been stress about not having  a libido!  Until now I suspect not much however.

Okay I have to say this throws up some questions which I should really ask her, but I don’t really see the point.  What made the doctor arrive at stress as as a diagnosis?  I am suspicious of the picture painted for the GP by Susan.

Did Susan give a representation of her life now, her marriage as it has been say over the past 3 or 4 years, the whole of her marriage, or her whole adult life?

If it is of her life now, then I think that would lead to a wholly inaccurate diagnosis.  Right now things are difficult.  We have two small children, we are both spending less time alone together than at any time previously in our marriage, we are talking less even.  We have no social life and are both unhappy with our current home and lifestyle/quality of life.  To be fair it has put a dampner on my libido too.

But if she had opened it up to the last few years, whilst it would be more accurate, even that would be unrepresentative of her issues.  Our first child was born about 4 years ago and that was very difficult time for us – considering how she got pregnant (more about this in another article).  Since then sex has sunk lower and lower in priority and we have had many other challenges to deal with.

Either of these pictures would lead the GP to think that we had a great sex-life before our children were born and like most married couples it had waned with the passage of time and arrival of greater responsibilities.  And this of course is wrong.

To get anywhere near the true picture Susan would have had to accurately and honestly describe the disasterous start to our marriage and perhaps even the near sterile sexuality of her adolescence.  I’m not getting any indication that she did this.  If she did, it would imply that the GP was suggesting she has been stressed her whole life.

Nevertheless, one good thing has come out of this.  The GP has referred her to a therapist.  I don’t know yet what kind of therapist.  If it is a stress management therapist or a general therapist then I guess it would answer my question: the GP will have had the recent or snapshot picture.

If it is a sex therapist, then I guess it means a) she did give a full historical picture and/or b) the GP saw past a limited picture and realised that her problems were deeper than just the current stress issue.

Susan said to me when relating her visit to the GP, that we are not spending enough time together – which I wholly agree with.  We are not talking like we used to and are finding any kind of communication which does not deal directly with day-to-day issues of home-management quite awkward.

The distance I put between us to stop her from pushing me away and treating me the way she did is now a yawning chasm.  How to bring us together for sex to even start to flourish?  And how to put the hurt and disappointment of almost every year of our marriage behind us and start anew?  Is it even possible?

I sometimes think that we need to start going out on ‘dates’ again.  We should leave the children with a babysitter and just go out once a week.  I’m not sure what we will talk about.  It is going to feel very contrived and I will probably have to carry the plan to ensure it happens every week.  The only thing that stops me is the fact that it takes some organising and I feel she should suggest something too.  I know this is destructive – if I want to save the marriage, I can’t very well rely on the person who has done the most damage to it.

I’m currently feeling the partnership and friendship aspects of our marriage crumbling.  It was of course just a matter of time but I really need to rescue these, as without them not only will there be nothing left of the marriage, but without these as a strong foundation there will be no chance – and it is already too small as it is – of a sexual marriage being built.

We just need to wait and see when she is contacted by the therapist – she’ll get a letter in the post soon.

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