Marriage Of One

November 19, 2008

On Julia Grey

Filed under: marriage — marriageofone @ 10:31 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I first read Julia’s articles when I was desperate for help and didn’t know where to turn.  Julia’s articles opened my eyes and I took alot of self-awareness and understanding from her and from the people who have posted comments to her articles.

I even put some of those things into practice.  I can report however that nothing worked.  I kept it up for over a year and even the efforts I made, initially appreciated, became meaningless once Susan started taking them for granted.

The problem was that Julia writes that she used to be ‘frigid’ wife.  Prior to that she was ‘normal’.  Sex was great at the start of the marriage and then waned over the years until it became a chore to her and power-politics of marriage slaughtered her sex-drive.

It was always a bit of gamble to apply her reasoning to Susan.  Susan did not become frigid.  She has been frigid all her life.  How do you get someone who never cared for sex and doesn’t care for sex to become interested?

I moved on from sex, building intimacy and trust.  Hoping patience and support would win the day.  She didn’t budge.  So it dawned on me that the issue now was no longer about sex although it is centred on sex.  it is about fairness, respect and self-lessness.

I don’t have a RIGHT to sex.  But I have a right to a reasonable discussion and accomodation on OUR sex life.  I don’t have  RIGHT to be respected by my wife.  But I do have a right to be allowed to express myself without feeling like Oliver Twist begging for more.  And I don’t have a right to get it all my own way.  I just want compromise.

I wonder if there is anybody, male or female out there who is like Susan or knows of someone like her?



  1. My wife is like Susan. We never had sex before marriage. She was experienced and I was not and she said she would enjoy it with me and not refuse affection. Bu she never got aroused on our honeymoon and being inexperienced I didn’t realize what was up until much later. I too have looked at Julia Grey’s site but expect I will have the same experience you had. I have tried many things and your statement rings true: they are initially appreciated and then become status quo but never lead to an improved sex life. These include helping with housework, trips, requested house renovation, furniture, date nights, presents, etc. If I don’t have a right to a sex life does she have a right to my paycheck?

    Comment by Craig — November 8, 2010 @ 8:55 pm

  2. Welcome to Marriage Of One Craig. You haven’t revealed much in the way of detail and I can appreciate that you may have reservations about that. It’s up to you, but one of my goals when starting this blog was to get a bunch of people talking about these sorts of issues. So if you can make the time to write a bit more then that would be great and perhaps we can discuss these things.

    Off the bat however, I would advise one thing – and I don’t advise a lot. Please, please, please keep sex separate from … everthing. Yes, we want sex to be part of our lives and marriages. But that is not the same thing. Don’t mix financial or such issues with sex. Your wife has no direct entitlement to your paycheck. But she does have an entitlement to a share of your (your=as a couple) income to satisfy her lifestyle. As – and I emphasise this – do you. If however her expected lifestyle is putting financial pressure on your marriage (and your sex-life) please deal with the financial issue for what it is. Don’t bring sex into it.

    You do have a right to a sex life, but that does not supercede your responsibility as a breadwinner if that is what you are.

    Two questions which I hope you’ll come back and answer. One is how do you think your wife is like Susan? Refusing sex is one thing they may have in common. But you say your wife is experienced. It may be negative experience. But say it is positive, then that means she is not asexual. And that means you have hope. Somewhere, sometime you may potentially do the things that turn her on. She may not be able to articulate it, which may be a problem if you just ask. But provided she remains open to you trying things with her and reasonably often, she may appreciate the efforts you are going through for her and perhaps, just perhaps you may get her to open up to revealing what it is she actually needs you to do to her. If she isn’t even allowing you to try, you have to ask why? When the chips came down to it, it turned out in my case that Susan just wasn’t attracted to me – or anyone else. In your case it may be something different and hopefully less terminal.

    Okay, second question. What is the extent of your commitment to the marriage? Are you still friends? Do you still have a laugh together? Do you have children? It’s a tough thing to consider, but what happens if you just walk away? Okay that’s more than two questions. Still…

    Comment by marriageofone — November 14, 2010 @ 4:28 pm

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