Over the years I have come to find that trying to understand Susan is a bit like peeling back the layers of an onion. For everything that you understand or you think you understand there is still another layer beneath to stump you.
The only difference is that this onion no longer makes me shed any tears. Although I wish it did. I sometimes just wish I could let go…and cry. There are days when I really feel as if I am walking about with a stone in my throat and a heavy mass in my chest.
My discoveries with Susan are:
- Asexual: quite possibly
- Intimacy anorexic: very probably
- Anemic: most definitely
I had suspected anemia for some time over the years due to various other symptoms but her medicals always came back clear. Recently Susan’s mum had to undergo a battery of medicals due to some circulatory issues. The initial suspicion had fallen on anemia.
So purely as a service to the mother-in-law and Susan I decided to read up on it in the hope that some knowledge would offer some reassurance in the face of so many tests. One of the articlea I found was this: http://ehealthforum.com/health/anemia_symptoms-e316.html.
Looking through the list I could not help but notice that the symptoms matched many of Susan’s ‘normal’ issues. Of course the statement on ‘sexual dysfunction’ did not pass me by but I didn’t mention this. I simply forwarded the link to her email account and then told her that she would do well to get herself tested.
As it turns out the mother-in-law is not anemic – we still don’t have a full picture of her situation. But Susan is as it turns out, severely anemic. I don’t know why it’s never been picked up before….perhaps she was always just borderline above the trigger point and has just dipped below since delivering our last child.
Anyway she is soon to kick off her own medical journey no doubt.
Now for me the question may be: have I finally found the root cause, the silver bullet that will sort out Susan and thereafter our marriage?
The answer I have to say is no. I can perhaps allow myself a sliver of hope – even though I dare not – that things might improve slightly. She might for example become slightly more energetic and enthusiastic.
But let’s be clear: it wasn’t anemia that held off her sexual development as a teenager, nor is it anemia that stops her from even talking about sex. It’s not anemia that allows her to completely shut me off when she knows our marriage is on the brink.
I watched Revolutionary Road yesterday (with Susan). I watched the scene in which Kate Winslet’s April character weaves a surreal charade of a ‘normal’ breakfast with Leonardo Di Caprio’s character Frank with a feeling of familiarity. Ellen had made her choice and was at peace with her decision. Frank was clinging on to normality even though ‘normal’ in that context was completely abnormal. He was smart enough to know that something was afoot, but too scared perhaps to confront it. So he played along too.
When life is too hard to handle, when problems are too great and painful to resolve. Pretend.
And so it goes on. No doubt there will be another layer to peel back at some point.
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